Thursday, June 17, 2010

Journal Entries

I feel different from my friends.

I think I might like girls.
I wonder if I should tell my parents.

Today I saw a woman in Traverse City who had hairy legs.
I think I am going to stop shaving.

I told my best friend I was bisexual today.
I was terrified because I have a HUGE crush on her.

Yesterday, I cut my hair short for the first time in my life.
My dad cried.

I started cutting myself today.
I don't really know why, but I like it.
It helps me focus.
I hope no one notices.

I kissed my girlfriend at school and we almost got suspended.
Our principle said she would 'out' us to our parents.
If I was a boy this never would have happened.

I do not understand people.

I can't wait to move away to college.
I'm totally going to get a mohawk and tattoos.

I have a crush on this boy I met today.
I came out as a lesbian to my parents but I think I might be wrong.

Queer- I like that sound of that.

Last night I had a dream that I was comfortable in my own skin
I am not particularly uncomfortable in my own skin
but I am uncomfortable with how people see me.

I was called 'sir' for the first time today
and I have never been so happy.

I feel like someone has finally noticed- finally acknowledged-
my masculinity.

When I was in high school everyone called me 'James'
I wish I could go back to that.
I felt comfortable.

I realized today that I do really like wearing skirts.
I wish I could be a boy in a skirt.

Things that make me a woman:
I have a vagina

When I was 10 I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists.
I wanted to fit in with the guys.

I realized today that I don't dress feminine for the right reasons
people just go out of their way to complement me when I do.
I think they are trying to condition me.

I want people to see me as androgynous.

My counselor doesn't understand my queerness.
I think he could only deal with me as a lesbian.

Today I learned what the word “cisgender” meant.
I don't think that word describes me at all.

I love my hairy legs.
I haven't shaved in 8 years and I feel liberated.
It amazes me how much people care about it.

I don't care about fitting in anymore.

I wore a dress yesterday with makeup and high heels.
I liked it, I felt beautiful.

Last week, I wore a button up shirt with a hat and tie.
I liked it, I felt handsome.

I don't want to be forced to choose.

I feel perfectly balanced.

I think I will always be an outsider.
But in the end,
I know I will always be queer.

1 comment:

  1. I love the line- Last night I had a dream that I was comfortable in my own skin. I want to have that dream. It's so sad how many assumptions are made based solely on our gender. It's a really messed-up world when Masculinity is seen as the end-all and be-all of human strength while Femininity is seen as weak and dainty. I love engaging my masculine side just as much as the feminine. I bet you'll never hear a hetero male say that. It's sad because there is so much strength and potential in our femininity that is over-looked and down-played. To be truly strong people, we need to learn to be comfortable with all aspects of ourselves. This lack of balance is an inherent weakness in our society. It's good to read that other people are stepping out of it too!