Thursday, June 17, 2010

Journal Entries

I feel different from my friends.

I think I might like girls.
I wonder if I should tell my parents.

Today I saw a woman in Traverse City who had hairy legs.
I think I am going to stop shaving.

I told my best friend I was bisexual today.
I was terrified because I have a HUGE crush on her.

Yesterday, I cut my hair short for the first time in my life.
My dad cried.

I started cutting myself today.
I don't really know why, but I like it.
It helps me focus.
I hope no one notices.

I kissed my girlfriend at school and we almost got suspended.
Our principle said she would 'out' us to our parents.
If I was a boy this never would have happened.

I do not understand people.

I can't wait to move away to college.
I'm totally going to get a mohawk and tattoos.

I have a crush on this boy I met today.
I came out as a lesbian to my parents but I think I might be wrong.

Queer- I like that sound of that.

Last night I had a dream that I was comfortable in my own skin
I am not particularly uncomfortable in my own skin
but I am uncomfortable with how people see me.

I was called 'sir' for the first time today
and I have never been so happy.

I feel like someone has finally noticed- finally acknowledged-
my masculinity.

When I was in high school everyone called me 'James'
I wish I could go back to that.
I felt comfortable.

I realized today that I do really like wearing skirts.
I wish I could be a boy in a skirt.

Things that make me a woman:
I have a vagina

When I was 10 I tried to kill myself by slitting my wrists.
I wanted to fit in with the guys.

I realized today that I don't dress feminine for the right reasons
people just go out of their way to complement me when I do.
I think they are trying to condition me.

I want people to see me as androgynous.

My counselor doesn't understand my queerness.
I think he could only deal with me as a lesbian.

Today I learned what the word “cisgender” meant.
I don't think that word describes me at all.

I love my hairy legs.
I haven't shaved in 8 years and I feel liberated.
It amazes me how much people care about it.

I don't care about fitting in anymore.

I wore a dress yesterday with makeup and high heels.
I liked it, I felt beautiful.

Last week, I wore a button up shirt with a hat and tie.
I liked it, I felt handsome.

I don't want to be forced to choose.

I feel perfectly balanced.

I think I will always be an outsider.
But in the end,
I know I will always be queer.